I faked my own death and no one attended my funeral. But tonight I’ve decided to pursue my culinary exploration. In honor of how good this is, I’m submitting this original recipe to FoodGawker. Hope it gets there. I’m changing the dynamic of this blog in order to expose the prose and sophisticated thinking and writing of my roommate. So I’ll cook and she’ll review…she’s too fat to cook and only has one hand and one eye anyway. Tonight I made a saffron risotto with fresh pancetta, and peas. Cheers to being rich, fat, carnivorous, and wearing fur.
“The primo we (I use “we” rather generously, as I was a seriously shoddy choice for sous chef, demoted to onion dicing and eventually stripped of the position entirely) made tonight was a full-bodied risotto alla milanese stippled with sweet peas and a solid dosing of diced pancetta. The proportions were on point, the texture ideal and even the pancetta–purchased last minute at a neighbourhood Schnucks–was salted just right. Overall I would give two thumbs up, if only I could put the fork down.”
Just realized I forgot to submit the recipe…was too busy filing my roommate’s one nail on her handless stub of an arm. Here’s the recipe:
1 cup arborio
3 cups chicken broth
1 cup chopped yellow onions
1 cup frozen peas
1 tablespoon chopped Italian flat leaf parsely
2/5 lb pancetta I think
1.5 teaspoons of saffron
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 cup white wine
1 cup parmesan
Heat chicken broth so it is warm. Okay idiot? Then, heat the olive oil. Add the chopped onions. Add the rice. Deglaze with the wine. Add the pancetta. Add the saffron. Add the broth slowly, cup by cup, until all the liquid is absorbed and the rice is cooked. Add the peas. Add the parmesan and stir. Eat you fat piece of shit!!!
I tried to make this picture look professional, or like the bread you find when you go to a hotel in the breakfast buffet.
Well, can you? Can you believe how famous I’ve become? My success is proof of the glass ceiling finally being shattered. My success is proof of how good looks and the culinary arts can make you rich. I’ve become rich from this blog, and am considering retiring. You’re probably wondering where this grandiose and overzealous (but is it really? I think it’s justified) attitude is coming from. It’s coming from the fact that my dough never rises. I’m not referring to my bank account, as I already mentioned I’ve joined the rich and fat club. But seriously, I’ve attempted to make yeast bread SO many times. I tried everything; it never worked. I had given up until I found a packet of “rapid rise yeast” and a basic recipe that called for so little time and effort and so few ingredients. I tried, and like rich and fat chef I am I succeeded.
The fact that my dough had never risen, and rose on this recipe, proves that this recipe is a recipe (no pun intended ) for success. This was so easy and so good and really required very little work. It was for me, and could be for anyone, a great beginner’s recipe for yeast bread. My next project which I will begin shortly will be modifying the recipe to make it healthier. In other words, Fat + Rich/Expensive = Queen.
Combine the water, yeast and sugar. Add the oil, flour and salt and mix until incorporated. Let rise covered in a warm place for 30 minutes. Roll out into a rectangle. Mix sugar and cinnamon together in a bowl. With a pastry brush (if you don’t have a pastry brush, drizzle the oil on and spread with your palms), spread oil lightly over the surface and then sprinkle the cinnamon sugar mixture over the rectangle. Then sprinkle the chopped pecans, and then press them lightly into dough. Starting from one side start to roll the dough all the way to the end. Pinch the ends and place in a bread loaf pan. Preheat the oven to 400 F if you live on campus and your oven sucks like mine (it takes FOREVER to reach the temperature, and even then I’m never certain that it’s actually the temperature it claims it is). Let rise for another 30 – 45 minutes. Bake for 30-40 minutes and then demolish.
What do you think? I just feel like everyone’s doing it, and I’m way more qualified than them. It would just be such a tragedy to waste my talent. Heyy now, no you got it all wrong. I’m not going to abandon my blog…I’m just getting started. But it’s like, if I’m so talented why should I let other people get an undeserved position on Glee because I was too lazy to try out? You know what I mean?
Since I’m in a singing mood, I decided to name this concoction “Chocolate Rain Bread.”
You’re probably wondering who that girl is trying out my bread. I don’t even know…I guess she was reading “People” the other day and saw my baking schedule (my body guards sold it to the paparazzi). She knocked on my door to my suite and claimed she was going to visit my roommate Allie and after she passed the new security checkpoint she pushed down my body guards and thrashed her way to the kitchen. That’s when I caught her trying my bread. Here’s the recipe, and if anyone knows who this is please email my assistant.
This is not my recipe. I don’t think I’m going to post original recipes anymore because of the new offer I got from a publisher for a cookbook. The original recipe can be found here (The Urban Spork), which is a great blog with interesting and fun recipes.
1 1/2 cups warm water, divided
2/3 cup plus 1 teaspoon granulated sugar, divided
2 teaspoons dry yeast
4 1/2 cups bread flour
2/3 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
2/3 cup cocoa powder, sifted
2 teaspoons salt
1 large egg, at room temperature
12 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
8 ounces dark chocolate chips
In a small bowl, combine 1/2 cup of the warm water with 1 teaspoon of the sugar. Sprinkle the yeast over the water and set the mixture aside for 10 minutes, until foamy. If the mixture doesn’t foam, the yeast might be inactive and you should try again with fresh yeast.
In the bowl of an electric mixer, place the flour, the remaining 2/3 cup of granulated sugar, the light brown sugar, the cocoa, the espresso powder (if using) and the salt. Using the paddle attachment, mix at low speed for 1 minute, until combined.
Add the remaining 1 cup warm water and the egg to the yeast mixture. Add this to the flour mixture while continuing to mix at low speed. Increase the speed to medium and continue to beat the mixture for 2 minutes, or until the dough is smooth and elastic. At low speed, beat in the softened butter 1 tablespoon at a time, until it is incorporated into the dough. Remove the paddle attachment and replace it with the dough hook. Knead the dough at low speed for 2 minutes. Increase the speed to medium and knead the dough for 2 minutes longer.
Add the chocolate chunks and knead until incorporated. Transfer the dough to a buttered bowl (the dough will be quite moist). Cover the dough closely with plastic wrap or a damp tea towel and allow to rise in a warm, draft-free place for 2 hours (or until almost doubled in bulk).
After the chocolate dough has risen, punch the dough down and cover again with plastic wrap. Place the dough in the refrigerator for at least 8 hours or up to 2 days.
Butter two loaf pans. On a lightly floured work surface, divide the chocolate dough in half. Divide each dough half into 6 or 8 equal pieces so that you have 12 or 16 equal pieces in all. With lightly floured hands, shape each piece into a smooth, round ball. Place 6 or 8 dough balls — two by two, at a diagonal — in each prepared pan, pressing them lightly together if necessary. Cover the pans with a tea towel and allow the dough to rise at room temperature for 1 hour.
Position a rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 400° F.
In a small bowl, whisk together the egg and water until blended. Using a pastry brush, brush the egg glaze over the top of the loaves.
Bake the loaves for 10 minutes. Lower the oven temperature to 375° F and bake the bread for an additional 30 minutes. Cool the bread in the pans set on a wire rack for 15 minutes. Remove the bread and allow the loaves to cool completely on the rack.
Yesterday when the tornado touched down on Forest Park Parkway, everyone was freaking out. Not me. I put on my shades and sat outside on our balcony during the whole thing. Not even a tornado can mess with something this hot/famous/perfect.
LISTEN, I’M SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYONE ASKING ME TO “SHOW UP” AT THEIR PARTIES. Now I just understand what it’s like for celebrities like Britney Spears. I can’t do anything without being attacked by the paparazzi. When the tornado touched down my body guards rushed in, and I saw a news truck outside but I thought they were filming the tornado; they were, according to the article the next day they got footage of “the beautiful tornado of a chef herself.” Please just leave me alone.
I’m sure you’re wondering what the surprise dessert is, but guess what? I’m not going to tell you just yet. Remember how a few posts ago I told you I had something to tell you? Well, here goes: so a few days ago, when I was walking, this really hot guy walked passed me and asked me “hey, are you the girl with the blog?” I guess posting my picture wasn’t such a good idea…I should have remained anonymous. But maybe I should have, because that hot guy wasn’t just any hot guy. It was the star of the soccer team, ALEX NEUMANN ()!! Can you believe it? I still am in shock, what a stud. So I’m dedicating tonight’s post to him:
Pasta alla Alex Neumann
This pasta was actually created mostly with ingredients from the village:
I went and filled a salad bowl with about a cup of cherry tomatoes, about a cup of spinach, and about half a cup of mushrooms. I then poured about a tablespoon of olive oil on a saute pan and once it was hot, added garlic and the contents from the salad bowl. I let it saute for a while, and while it was cooking down I boiled the water for some pasta. Once the vegetables were lightly cooked and the spinach was wilted, I added about 2 tablespoons of tomato paste, but if you don’t have this substitute it for about 2 tablespoons of tomato sauce. Stir all of the ingredients together in the pan so that they are coated. Then I added about a cup of white wine and let it cook down, then at the very end stirred in about 2 tablespoons of capers and slithered almonds. It turned out pretty well.
I know what you’re thinking…so what’s the surprise dessert? BANANA BREAD!!!!
The injured one even said it was the best thing I’ve ever made…but what does she know? She’s not well. Here’s the recipe for the Banana Bread:
Set oven to 350 degrees F. Line the bottom of a loaf pan with parchment paper. Sift together the flour, baking soda, cinnamon and salt. Beat sugar and eggs with a whisk until light and fluffy, about 10 minutes. Drizzle in oil. Add mashed bananas, creme fraiche, and vanilla. Fold in dry ingredients and nuts. Pour into a lined loaf pan and bake for about 45 minutes to 1 hour.
You heard me. I said it. Spicy Chocolate Snickerdoodles. Serve on top a bed of Mexican rice drizzled with Velveeta Anticipate a longer post next time, I have A LOT to fill you in on. (Adapted from here)
1 2/3 cups flour
1/2 cup s cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (you can leave this out if you don’t want them to be spicy)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup pure maple syrup
3 tablespoons milk (I used almond milk so that’s why they were vegan)
2 teaspoons vanilla
For the sugar coating:
Cinnamon Sugar (1/4 cup granulated sugar and 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon)
Put the cinnamon sugar coating in a shallow dish.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Spray a cookie tray or a sheet pan with non-stick spray. Mix the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, SINnamon, cayenne pepper (or omit), and salt. In another bowl, mix together the oil, sugar, maple syrup, milk and vanilla. Pour the wet mixture into the dry ingredients and stir until combined. Once the dough is mixed, make small balls about 2 inches in diameter. Flatten them with your palms and place them in the cinnamon sugar dish and press down lightly. Place on the tray with at least an inch in between them (they expand a lot when baked). Bake for about 12 minutes. Let cool then eat!
Hey, sorry I’m running out to meet the investors and review the candidates for the board for my new baking business, so this is going to be quick. Today, I handed out samples of my original Pecan Bars as a form of advertisement for my business. I’m seriously serious about seriously start this business. Maybe I shouldn’t even give out the recipe for these Pecan Bars…but once again it’s not like anyone reads my recipes, and I feel like you’d rather have me make it than you make it yourself. Anyway, this is pretty easy to make with the ingredients available on campus. Adapted from (http://homeiswheretheholmansare.blogspot.com/2010/04/pecan-pie-bars.html)
Okay but seriously I really am going to start a baking business. These are good. Email me if you’re interested in helping (firstname.lastname@example.org)
For the dough:
1 1/2 cups of flour
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup unsalted butter, cold and cut into cubes
1 teaspoon maple extract
1 teaspoon baking powder
Preheat the oven to 350, and line a larger pan with tinfoil or parchment paper. Spray cooking spray over it anyway. Combine all of the ingredients except for the butter then mix. Once all of the ingredients are mixed, add the butter. Stir with a fork (if you have a food processor, use that) until it forms a dough or there are small chunks. Press the dough onto the pan in a thin layer (this takes a while). Bake for 15-20 minutes until light golden brown.
While the dough is baking, make the pecan filling:
1 teaspoon maple extract (or 1/2 teaspoon pure maple syrup)
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 cup light corn syrup
2 tablespoons melted unsalted butter
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups chopped pecans
Beat the eggs. Combine the rest of the ingredients except for the pecans and mix. Once all ingredients are mixed, add the pecans. Give a quick stir so that they are all coated.
Once the dough is finished, remove from the oven and pour the pecan filling on top. Be sure to spread the filling evenly. Return to the oven and bake for about 20 minutes or until the filling is set. Take out and let cool. Cut into bars and eat!